Patience is a virtue, just not one I possess. I hate waiting. My mind moves quickly. I'm eager to take action. So the waiting period is always grueling for me. And giving up control. Uff. That's the worst.
I practice yoga. I practice meditation. I utter the mantra: Be here. Be now. I concentrate on breath. But I struggle. Deeply. Here is hard. There is where I want to be. Accepting that many things are beyond me, that I can't move them by sheer will, is an unending battle, but one I'll lose every time.
I've taken a risk. I hadn't even fully comprehended I wanted change, now I feel almost desperate for it. Sometimes the universe connects us with others in ways we don't anticipate or understand. I believe in that. Maybe that's why I love Kurt Vonnegut so much -- I'm thinking of Cat's Cradle: "As it happened, as it was meant to happen." So I don't have patience, but I'm trying hard to believe everything happens for the right reasons, that everything will end up in it's right place. But all of that requires me to give up control. To trust. To be patient.
I have to wait. And the waiting's hard. The waiting's always hard. And I've yet to reach the point where I can fully be here, be now. Some lessons come harder than others. So I'll continue to concentrate on breath, on stillness, and hope I arrive at a place of quiet calm, patiently waiting, willing to accept whatever's next.